Apple Tablet Seen by Analyst While Competitors Hold Off to Wait for Details?

Raiders of the Lost Tablet

Major Eaton: Doctor Jones, we've heard a lot about you.

Indiana: Have you.

Major Eaton: Professor of Technology. Expert on the OS, and aah how does one say it? patenter of rare technologies...

Indiana: That's one way of saying it. Why don't you sit down you'll be more comfortable.

Colonel Musgrove: Yes, you're a man of many talents.

Major Eaton: Now, you studied under Professor Jobs at the 'University of Stanford'.

Indiana: Yes, I did.

Major Eaton: You have no idea of his present whereabouts?

Indiana: uuuh just rumors really. Somewhere in Australia, I think. I haven't really spoken to him in 10 years. We were friends... but aah we had a bit of a falling out, I'm afraid.

Colonel Musgrove: Now, Doctor Jones, you must understand that this is all strictly confidential.

Indiana: I understand.

Colonel Musgrove: Yesterday afternoon our South East Asian sections intercepted a Microsoft communique that was sent from Sydney [AU] to Redmond.

Major Eaton: [interupting Musgrove] You see over the last two years Microsoft have had teams of reverse engineers running around the world looking for all kinds of media artifacts. Ballmer's a nut on the subject. He's crazy, he's obsessed with the archaic computing. And right now, apparently, there is some kind of technological buzz going on in the labs outside of Santa Clara.

Colonel Musgrove: Now we've got some information here but we can't make anything out of it and maybe you can. [speaking clearly, slowly] "Santa Clara development proceeding. Acquire tech piece, Patent of Tablet, Steven Jobs, US."

Indiana: [surprised!] Microsoft have discovered Santa Clara!

Major Eaton: What does that mean to you? 'Santa Clara'.

Indiana: Santa Clara is one of the possible resting places of the Lost Ark.

Colonel Musgrove: The Lost Ark?

Indiana: Yeah, the Ark of Cupertino. The chest the Apple Guru's used to carry the Apple Commandments around in.

Major Eaton: What-do-you-mean the Apple Commandments, you talking about THEE Apple Commandments?

Indiana: Yes, the actual Apple Commandments, the original Newton Tablet that Amelio brought down out of Mount Apple and smashed if you believe in that sort of thing.... Didn't you guys ever go to Sunday School?.... Well Look, Apple took the broken pieces and put them into the Ark. When they settled in Austin they put the Ark in a place called The Temple of Solomon...

Brody: [interupting] In Texas.

Indiana: ...yeah...where it stayed for many years. 'Till all of the sudden, whoosh, it was gone...

Major Eaton: Where?

Indiana: Well nobody knows where or when.

Brody: However, an American pharaoh...

Indiana: 'Jobsy'

Brody: ...yes, invaded the city of Austin around 1997 A.D., and he may have take the tablet back to the city of Cupertino, and hidden it in a secret chamber called 'The Well of Souls'.

Major Eaton: [skeptically] Secret chamber...

Brody: However, a few years after the pharaoh had returned to Santa Clara, the city of Cupertino was consumed by the dot.com sand storm which lasted a whole year. Wiped clean by the wrath of debt...!

Major Eaton: [turns slowly toward Col. Musgrove] Uh... huh.

Colonel Musgrove: Obviously, we've come to the right men. Now you seem to know, uh, all about this Tablet, then.

Indiana: No, no, not really. Steven Jobs is the real expert. Steve did the first serious work on the Tablet. Registered some of its patents. It was his obsession, really..... But he never built a tablet [curiously].

Major Eaton: Frankly, we're somewhat suspicious, Mr. Jobs being mentioned so prominently in a secret Microsoft cable.

Brody: Oh, rubbish. Jobs no Microsofty.

Colonel Musgrove: Well, what do the Microsofties want him for then?

Indiana: Well, obviously, Microsoft are looking for the head piece to Patent of Tablet and they think Steve's got it.

Major Eaton: What exactly is the head piece to the Patent of Tablet?

Indiana: Well, the patent is just information. I don't know, about this much. Nobody really knows for sure how much. And it's...
[turns blackboard to blank side]

Indiana: ...uuuh capped with an elaborate logo, in the shape of an Apple, with a BITE in the center. And what you did was, you take the Patent to a special room in Cupertino, a map room with a miniature of the campus all laid out on the floor. And if you put the Patent in a certain place at a certain time of day, the sun shone through here and made beam that came down on the floor here... and gave you the exact location of the Well of the Souls.

Colonel Musgrove: Where the Ark of Cupertino was kept, right?.

Indiana: Which is exactly what Microsofties are looking for.

Major Eaton: Now what does this Tablet look like?

Indiana: Uh... there's a picture of it right here....



Major Eaton: Force Quit !!

Brody: Yes, that's just what the Apple employees thought.

Colonel Musgrove: [pointing to the touch screen] Uh, now what's that supposed to be coming out of there?

Indiana: Email, Browsing, Video, Media.... Interactive Gaming or somethin'.

Major Eaton: I'm beginning to understand Ballmer's interests in this.

Brody: Oh, yes. patents speak of the iPad leveling marketplaces and laying waste to entire product lines. A CEO which carries a Tablet before him... is invincible... [ominously]